Filed under: Friendships
More and more lately it has become clear to me that I can be somewhat of a nuisance to those I feel are closest to me. I believe I’ve lost several friendships by leaning too much on people in times of trouble. Eventually they get sick of it and start completely ignoring me. Sometimes they’ll return after a hiatus and sometimes they’re gone forever. The ironic thing is, most of the friendships that I have recently lost (“recently” being in the last 3 or so years) are the ones that I have held most precious to me.
Examples:
Case one: Friend IndieKid. She was really hip. She introduced me to a myriad of hipcool indie bands. We had a lot of fun partying, hanging out, and just talking. During my drama with The Ex, one of my best friends kind of dropped out of my life so I started leaning a lot on IndieKid. I would talk to her about The Ex all the time, complain about the horrible situation that my naïveté had gotten me into, and in the end call her crying at some ungodly hour in the morning about a certain trauma that happened to me during the Christmas season of 2004.
Because of that trauma, she invited me to come out to Los Angeles (where she had recently moved in with her boyfriend) on a sabbatical. I agreed and we had loads of fun. At least I did. We went on tour with her boyfriend’s band up and down the California coast, I had phone- sessions with my therapist, I didn’t OD on any pills, and I didn’t cut myself. I was, however not eating. I went from 135 pounds to 105 pounds in about a month’s period. I was a walking skeleton that rarely went outdoors & as a result my skin was practically translucent.
But I digress. Upon returning home I found that IndieKid had taken me off her friend’s list on MySpace and was completely ignoring me. I couldn’t figure out what it was and guessed maybe it had something to do with my interest in Wiccan & pagan religions which she had voiced how much it freaked her out.
In the end, I have realised that maybe it was the fact that I leaned on her too much during my time of trauma and she got sick of it and couldn’t handle it. As a result, I lost a friendship that I had hoped would continue for a bit longer.
Case two: PaneraFriend. This was a friend I had made while I worked at Panera. In retrospect I don’t see how she could’ve stopped being my friend because I complained about yet another stupid situation I had gotten myself into with a boy because she would call me crying and drunk at all hours about how much she hated her life and missed her family up in Buffalo, New York.
Actually, I’m not entirely sure why she doesn’t speak to me anymore. Maybe she outgrew me…
What has led to this introspection is the fact that a good friend of mine recently emailed me and we discussed how I felt ignored by her. She said I was constantly being negative and she didn’t know what to say to me when I came to her with a problem. I thought about it and realised that rarely has she offered me advice when I’ve come to her with a problem. Rarely has she really listened to me when I’ve come to her just needing a shoulder to lean on.
The ironic thing I thought was when she had said that I was always being negative. While I do consider myself to be somewhat cynical and more of a realist, I don’t dwell on bad things that have happened. Sometimes, especially when it comes to boys, I like to rehash things- just to remind myself & everyone else how lame boys can be (and generally are). But I don’t spend all my time thinking about how this or that boy has wronged me. And, unlike her, I don’t spend time feeling guilty for stupid mistakes I have made in my past. I don’t dwell on stuff like that because it only brings you down. I’m all about living and learning (as I’ve said dozens of times). I’m also all about being there for people I consider friends; be it “real life” friends or internet friends. I’m all about people coming to me with their problems and unloading them. I’m all about offering up advice- even if it’s not asked for. (I can, though, be silent when the situation calls for it.) I’m all about loyalty and being there 100% for the people I feel closest to. I guess I just have to learn that not everyone is like that. No matter how long or short you’ve known them.
On a side note, I have immense appreciation for those people in my life that happily and willingly reciprocate the type of friendship I offer. I hate to feel like someone can’t stand me or talking to me because they think I’m “too negative” or I complain too much. I hate to feel like a burden.
Hearts and Unicorns by Giant Drag.
16 Comments so far
Leave a comment
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <pre> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Overarching theme: people can be dumb. Any friend who’s really worth their salt doesn’t disappear – they fade. And they’ll rightly call you out on being a doofus when you’re being one. And still be friends with you.
So, in sum, people suck, you’re awesome, the end.
Also, Panera is great. 1/2 soup 1/2 sandwich WHUT!
exacamundo.
Comment by The Brooklyn Boy 16 July 2007 @ 2.12 pmi am awesome. the end. :D
ugh. panera was one of the worst jobs i had. meh. x_x
I can see I haven’t sufficiently explained the issue to you and there are a few more things we need to discuss.
lol i specifically left out mmm…. specifics for the simple reason that i didn’t think it would be prudent to announce it to everyone.
also, i replied to your last email but you never replied so i assumed you didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
don’t call me out on my blog when i’m the one making all the moves here. i love you hella but that’s just not right.
Comment by mm 16 July 2007 @ 2.33 pmI try not to lean too much on people. I’ve lost so many great friendships, it just makes me really sad. Since I could never rely on my family, I’d always rely on my best friend. But friendships can be so strong one day and… gone the next.
I have a close friend right now. She used to be just my classmate, but a couple of years ago I tried hard for us to be good friends. I admired her strong will and overall personality. She was everything I ever wanted to be. Almost a year ago, she started gradually changing. Our friendship grew stronger because I was there for her when she hit one of the lowest points in her life. I’d always talk about my problems with her… and she’d talk about hers with me.
About 3 months ago… suddenly everything changed in the blink of an eye! She suddenly became very depressed, didn’t want to go to school anymore, broke up with her boyfriend, etc. It was so fast! She tried to overdose with pills several times. Her parents are always scared and worried. It’s like she woke up one day and thought “I don’t want to live any more”. I don’t get why she did it though. She had the perfect, super family (I know it). A great boyfriend. Great grades in school and an overall awesome life.
Now she rarely talks to me. I don’t know why. I was ALWAYS there for her. I went to visit her, talked to her online or by cell phone everyday. Not to complain about my problems, but to make her feel better by letting her lean on me. I never judged her for anything she did. I was just there to hold her hand.
-_- I’m sad just to think about it. Why do my great friendships always fail? I give 200% of myself to them. Bah.
i’m sorry that happened. sometimes people don’t realise what great friends they have until they’re gone. maybe one day she’ll call you saying that she misses you. if not, then she’s not worth your time anymore. people come and go from our lives & i guess we have to try our hardest to just accept that and move on.
Comment by algelic 16 July 2007 @ 3.13 pmAt first glance, I read that you had an application for friends, not appreciation. (I really need to get my eyes checked.) Friendships are definitely hard. I’ve been struggling with my own because I’m not in a good place. I cannot be there for people when I’m not there for myself.
yes, i am taking applications for friends. ;P
Comment by Kristin 16 July 2007 @ 3.56 pmI think that’s very wise & true. It’s hard to be a good friend when your life is falling apart. Then again, I think I’ve always used my friends having problems as a way of deviating my attention from my own. Luckily, I feel I’m in a place now where I’m not doing that.
I don’t really have any “close” friends probably b/c I’m there 100% of the time & they’re not so I don’t consider anyone close.
If I have an “issue” I talk to my co-worker who would be considered a “close” friend (I suppose) although we don’t really hang out outside of work. We’re both homebodies so it works out, hehe~ ^________^
I talk to my sis but she has her own probs so I’m usually the one who’s listening when she needs to let it out.
There’s another friend who only calls when she needs/wants/has a question about something. I’ve distanced myself from her and I could less about her now, haha~ She’s always got drama and I’m not into that.
Hopefully you’ll find someone who’ll be there for the long haul and won’t disappear suddenly. I think we all have our own problems w/ keeping friendships.. nowadays it seems no one wants to work on keeping them.
ah yeah i have had a few friends that you mentioned in the 2nd- to- last paragraph. needless to say, they’re not my friends anymore. existential crises that seem to last ages get annoying after a bit. x_x
Comment by Jenn~ 16 July 2007 @ 4.31 pmi think you just hit the nail on the head- people want friends but no one is willing to do the work it takes to keep them. friendships are just like any other relationship in life; you have to work at them for them to … well … work! ♥
“don’t call me out on my blog when i’m the one making all the moves here. i love you hella but that’s just not right.”
Then do me a favor and don’t write a blog about me when we’re not even finished discussing an issue.
Thats also, like you said, “just not right”.
Besides, anyone that knows you can clearly put two and two together on this. I’m just defending myself from what I perceive as an attack on my character.
Feel free to delete my comments if you think they’re too personal.
first off, i’ve never been one to delete comments. not even from that crazy jinxy guy. what a weirdo.
Comment by mm 16 July 2007 @ 5.33 pmanyways.
if you had read the blog word- for- word then you would have noticed that the blog wasn’t actually about you it was about me. me & how i feel like i lean too much on people and become a nusance to them & end up losing them as friends.
like i already said, i had replied to your email but you never wrote me back so i assumed that you wanted to drop the issue and forget about it. this blog is, as i’ve warned in the past, much more open about myself & what i’m thinking & feeling. this is an impt issue to me because we’ve been friends for 10 years. suddenly i’m feeling as if i don’t know you very well and you don’t know me. i’m sure we’re both to blame for that, though.
also, i wouldn’t give people too much credit. i mean, i have several other friends. i could be having (and am having) issues with any one of them. the situation with us was just an example of how i feel i am worried about losing those i feel are closest to me. writing this post was also a way of venting. you are so defensive when it comes to people trying to point out things about you to the point where i don’t even bother because, as you stated, you feel it to be “an attack on [your] character.” if i were trying to attack you, i would have named you. not just in the last paragraph but in the one with IndieKid.
the world does not revolve around you. other things come into play in mine & everyone else’s lives. if you would stop being on the defensive so much and just take a MOMENT of your time to listen, maybe you could understand what’s being said.
i’m making a whole- hearted attempt to preserve what is to me, a very precious friendship- despite it’s obvious lack of communication and confusion that stems from that.
the offer i gave you in my text still stands; i’m here to talk to whenever you’re ready. i always have been.
*high pitched voice* “A~w~k~w~a~r~d”… *slips out the window*… lol
lol. i hope you didn’t fall too many stories from your slip out the window. btw, you’re either going to have to get up at the ass- crack of dawn to come with me to get my car inspected or wait until noonish on friday or saturday for me to come get you. i can’t afford another 100$ ticket because i don’t have updated registration on my car. x_x
Comment by Klarke 16 July 2007 @ 6.26 pmGirls as a rule make shitty friends. I’ve lost friends for all kinds of weird reasons. Two of the weirdest:
1, one girl wanted to hang out with her “real” uni friends,
2, another girl: I didn’t have a boyfriend and she did so she had nothing to talk to me about anymore,
But thankfully through the years I’ve found three really great girls who are always there for me when I need them. All I can say is that when you find a good friend it shouldn’t be hard holding onto them, if it is I guess they’re not good friends.
yeah i’ve lost friends for bizarre reasons as well. or things that weren’t my fault. like one girl stopped talking to me because this guy she had a crush on hit on me. i didn’t hit on him back or encourage him or anything! and i srsly wanted to, too. he was so hot. in retrospect i guess i should’ve just hit on him back since she stopped being my friend either way! x_x
Comment by Ys 17 July 2007 @ 6.31 amI’m sorry you’ve had so many relationships go “sour” in the recent years. In a way I feel I can relate. People just start ignoring me, not including me in and I feel betrayed after trying so, so, so hard to be the nicest person to them. But, I guess it can’t always work out, and honestly, everyone has their own fuck’d up way of dealing with relationships and I like to think it’s not MY fault THEY are douchebags. ALL my college friendships were pretty superficial because of this, hahaha!
And then sometimes I feel I’m on the opposite end. I’m a pretty solo person (this excludes Mike of course) and I tend to go off into my own life while not even thinking my friends would like some of my time. I guess I always feel like a burden to them or that people are just hanging out with me for pity so I try not to bother anyone.
[[this comment is gonna be crazy ass long, sorry!]]
Ok, response to your comment (b/c I’m at work & can’t email ya but wanted to respond immediately!)
The 27th? Next Friday? AWESOME. I’m putting it down on my calendar for sure and I’ll, of course, bring my camera. I want a Holga (we can talk about that at the HH) and SLIDE FILM!? I MUST SEE THEM FOR I WANT TO TRY SLIDE FILM! Also, just an FYI, I get my film developed at Ritz b/c I can just pay for development and then an extra 1.99$ has them upload the photos to my Ritz account (the account is free.) So I can just print the ones I REALLY like later. Saves me so much money. Only 4$ to develop & 2$ to upload. It’s REALLY cheap if you do multiple rolls at once. And 1/2 the time they are so retarded they undercharge me!
feel free to leave comments as long as you’d like! :)
awesome! i’m really stoked you’re coming to the HH. I’m going to make sure my batteries are totally taped in so I can use my holga, lol. i BELIEVE it is slide film bc the negatives look like slides -shrug- & the guy at Ritz said they were. to be honest, i really don’t know that much about photography & film so i might just be talking out of my ass. in which case, i duly apologise and feel like an ass. >_<
the ritz account sounds like a good deal! i’m really going to look into it, especially now that i’m doing more with film & the damn 120 rolls cost over 17$ to develop just one! O_O
friendships are interesting. some people are willing to put so much time and effort into them and others are just not. i think one thing that annoys me is when someone complains about not having any friends and i’m like “helloooo! what am i? chopped liver?!?” & then of course they’re not REALLY willing to do what it takes to make friends. & in the end they have a couple of shallow, meaningless “friendships” that don’t really mean anything to anyone. they’ve driven away everyone close to them & in the end are just alone. it’s sad.
good thing for us we’re awesome signs. i’ve got the libra & you’re aries, right? holla! basically, we rock. :D
Comment by Jen 17 July 2007 @ 10.28 am:D I am now going to teach you how to watch asian dramas!
TO DOWNLOAD:
First of all, you go HERE to find torrents and download the videos. Right now they appear by date (most recent ones at the top), but there’s a search engine there too.
After downloading the video… search for subtitles. This is, of course, in case you downloaded a RAW video without subtitles (which usually happens with new dramas). If your video already has subtitles, skip this step. If it doesn’t… go HERE and look in this list for the name of the Drama you’re watching.
Then watch the video! Remember that the “.srt” file and the video must have the same name so that the subtitles play automaticaly.
TO [just] WATCH:
http://www.crunchyroll.com/drama
Search for the drama you want. Lately, people have been uploading right away the episodes that just came out.
For more info about dramas: http://wiki.d-addicts.com/
wow! thanks for that! i’ll definitely look into it when i get home. :)
Comment by algelic 17 July 2007 @ 11.26 amSure I can do dawn… with the time difference it will be like getting up at noon anyway.
mmmk. btw, email me at my blog email. i have a question to ask you.
Comment by klarke 17 July 2007 @ 2.19 pmFFS I can’t find your e-mail address… tooo drunk… tooo lazy… give me a break…
it will take me a while but I will find your e-mail address
i don’t know what ffs means but i can’t believe you got on the internet drunk to comment me lol. i’ll message you on fb since i forgot to email you last night. this awesome thai horror movie had my attention all night. :D
Comment by Klarke 17 July 2007 @ 7.32 pmyou had best e-mail me… I can’t find you’re e-mail address… klarkedude @ hotmail.com
your email is in the header. you used the wrong “your”. i put spaces bt your email so spam bots don’t harass you.
Comment by Klarke 17 July 2007 @ 7.38 pmI don’t want to burst YOUR(!!!!) bubble, so… yes I did go on the internet just to comment you, I most certainly didn’t want to go on projectrockstar… hehe…
have you messaged me on facebook? I think it isn’t letting me receive messages… but I am not certain.
lol what i meant was that you came online and actually thought to comment.
anyways!
no i haven’t. i’ve actually been working. :O ok except for the last hr or so. i’m trying to find multi- region and/ or region- free dvd players so i don’t have to keep watching my foreign movies on my ibook. >_<
Comment by Klarke 18 July 2007 @ 9.45 amIf your Ibook is portable you might want to bring it with you tomorrow because I think I have something you might like to watch… wow… I will be in the US tomorrow, weird.
an iBook is a laptop. weird. apparently they don’t make iBooks anymore. they’re all MacBooks now. I feel so…. vintage.
Comment by Klarke 18 July 2007 @ 12.25 pmI get where you’re coming from here, i sometimes feel that i’m a nuisance, but i don’t lean on people. My problem is that i’m afraid to talk to my friends about the problems that upset me so much, i find it hard to open up incase they shun me (which they wouldn’t). So i close up and i don’t talk and it really doesn’t help at all!
I think perhaps the trick is to have a nice range of friends, just like dresses or shoes. You have the one you know you can go out and get drunk with, the one who likes music and dancing, the one who likes shopping, and most importantly, the one you can talk to about anything. Different people have different personalities, you have to find the one that fits, some people just aren’t comfortable talking about other people’s problems, and that’s ok becasue there will be ones that are.
Don’t beat yourself up about it, friends are there to lean on when you need them x
i’m glad that you got the gist of my post. :)
Comment by moaningminnie 18 July 2007 @ 3.24 pmsometimes i wish i wouldn’t talk so much because if i have a friend that i’ve had for years, and years, and years i just automatically talk to them when i’m upset. just push the “#1″ on speed dial and start rambling.
i think you’re right; having different things for different things is good. for the friend in particular that i was talking about in the last paragraph though, i’ve known her almost half my life & she’s never said anything to me about not liking to hear my problems. she hasn’t even come right out and said it- more of alluding it to HEAVILY.
took me a bit to get the message but when i did, it was like a good punch in the throat.
guess it just shows that you never really know what to expect from someone now matter how long you’ve known them…..