After being gone for a little over a week, it’s so hard to get back into the routine of things. I don’t have my badge here at work with me (I haven’t been home since I got back- been at Gael’s) and the girl who gives out loaner badges isn’t here yet. So, there’s not much I can do since I can’t leave my cubicle to do anything.
I wasn’t able to do the recap like I thought I would so I guess I’ll try to piece one together for you now.
I was raised in a very charismatic Episcopalian church. The people there were rather mean and got me started on some undesirable habits that I find it hard to completely shake (ex: smoking cigarettes). The fact that the people there were so unfriendly and exclusive has led me come to relate churches that are charismatic (that is, they have a “rock band” and people shouting and dancing around) to the church of my childhood. (Also, I kind of feel like I’m in a circus or something.)
Through various tragedies in my life that were exacerbated by the prevalence of religion in my life as a child and teenager, I came to resent God and Christianity.
Since I’m now going out with a Christian, I find myself really needing to reconcile these negative thoughts and behaviour patterns. I have found a certain solace and peace in Catholic mass, so it wouldn’t be a big surprise if I ended up going to RCIA or something (though I really can’t see myself being a “devout” Catholic).
Because of things that have happened to me, I’ll never be one of those people that’s like, “JESUS SAVES! All YE SHALL BE DAMMED IF YE DO NOT BELIEVE!” I’m more quiet in my faith. (Which, as some people assume has been lost, has not. It’s just gone through some dramatic changes.)
I suppose I’m “coming around” slowly and, because I’m insanely stubborn sometimes, it’ll be on my terms & frankly I’m not sure if I’ll ever consider myself to be among the mainstream idea of what a Christian is, but I can tell you right now- I’ve never stopped believing the fundamentals of it. I think that should count for something. (Man, am I tired of being constantly judged by those more “mainstream” and severely religious Christians. Doesn’t everyone have a different way of expressing their own spirituality and faith in whatever? Why is one way “better” than another? To me, that’s just human arrogance and insecurity and pride.)
XM Holiday Traditional on AOL radio.
Filed under: Spiritual | Tags: Astrology, Christanity, codename Gael, Horoscopes, Pagan, Religion, vacation, Wicca
What spirituality did I find myself gravitating towards that winter of 2004/ 2005? Much to my family’s horror, it was an eclectic grouping of different pagan and Wiccan views/ paths. Something I always felt a sort of “closeness” to since a teenager was the mythology of the ancient Egyptians. I started looking rather seriously into Egyptian paganism. I also looked into Celtic Wicca/ Neopaganism.
While driving to San Francisco back in 2005 (actually, we were bunking with some dude in Oakland), I spotted a religious store out the window of the van. In the pouring, cold rain I trekked the 6 blocks back down the street and entered the store. I felt a wave of calm and peace pass over me- not completely unlike that I had felt when I put my whole heart and soul into Christianity. I knew it wasn’t the Ativan, either. I looked around the store (which was probably 20’x20’) for at least an hour before buying an amulet of the Egyptian goddess Bast (Wiki says some things about Bast that aren’t 100% accurate. Actually, she has two facets. Sekhmet is the “war goddess” aspect and Bast is the “nurturing mother” aspect- FYI). Since I had first read about her, I felt this connection. I decided that she was supposed to be my patron goddess. I was ecstatic to find such a beautiful amulet in her image and realised this as a sign. Upon returning home, I had a consecration ceremony in which I prayed over the amulet and did some ritualistic chants.
During this time, I researched and studied the different pagan and Wiccan religions more and more. I own loads of books (mostly on Egyptian paganism), a few work books, journals, a pack of tarot cards, and some statuettes. If you’ve read my blog at all during the changing of the seasons and various holidays such as Samhain (which just passed on October 31st), you’ll see me referring to them- celebrating them. I don’t hold any ceremonies any more- mostly because my grandma told me that if I was into any sort of Wiccan or pagan religion she’d throw me “out on the street” but I do hold it in my heart still. No matter what I end up feeling in my heart about Christianity, I will always hold a special place for the “old religions.” (See my watashi no desu page for some fansites I have joined concerning these.)
If you’re wondering if I did spells, of course I did! They’re a fairly big part of any Wiccan or pagan religion/ spiritual path. I did a few and they always worked (it’s like prayer- if you don’t believe in it it doesn’t work). After a few of those, I decided that I didn’t like manipulating the forces in life. I wanted life to take its natural path and so I ceased. I was also never really able to figure out tarot cards very well but I still keep them- they’re very pretty.
As for astrology, I’ve studied it a bit and while I don’t use it to make life- decisions per se, I do look at it as a personality indicator and a sort of guide. For the most part, horoscopes are crap but if you take a look at Yahoo! Astrology, I’ve found it to be rather accurate (at least compared to most others!). I mean, I’ve got my 2 signs tattooed on me. (September 19th is the first day of the Virgo- Libra cusp which is generally believed to last from the 19th until the 23rd.)
As for the role of Christianity in my life now, it’s here and it’s going to stay here as long as I’m with Gael. I’m okay with this and I am working through my prejudices against it. I suppose that was the whole point of doing these posts, ね?
Filed under: Friendships, Relationships, Spiritual | Tags: Boys, Christanity, Family, Medications, Religion
I seriously don’t feel like doing anything today. I’m tired, moody and the weather is seriously getting me down. Luckily, I don’t have much to write about today…
While living in Salt Lake from early August 2002 to late December 2002, I didn’t have anything to do with Christianity. I learned quickly in SLC that if you’re not Mormon or gay, it’s going to be rather hard to find a place to fit in (and a job!). Unless you’ve grown up there, of course. Since I am none of the above, I had a rather hard time coping and dropped out at the end of my first semester.
In January of 2003 I got a job and started going to shows- mostly in DC and Baltimore, Maryland. In August after not seeing an old friend for several years, she randomly called me. This started my partying days. During this time I was really broke. RooneyRoo’s mom started inviting me to church- she said she wasn’t below bribery so if I went she’d buy me lunch. I went. I was usually still drunk from the night before, hung over, or kind of high. I spent a lot of time outside smoking cigarettes. By this point I had become a regular smoker (smoking around a pack a week). In November of that year I smoked pot for the first time.
I continued this pattern of working crappy jobs, partying 3- 6 days a week, church, and shows until September of 2004. (During this time I got kicked out/ left my parents’ house again and moved in with my grandma where I am still living today. During the summer of 2004 I was also couch surfing & sleeping in my car at rest stops a lot as well.) This end to my endless partying wasn’t because of God or anything like that, though. In fact, I still highly resented Christianity- especially churches where people shouted and jumped and rock bands played. I constantly felt like it was a charade. Just like the one I had witnessed growing up. So, I went to church but tuned it all out. It’s rather easy to when you’re still messed up…
As I stated above, the partying died down by about 90% not because of anything religious but because I met a boy. We were best friends and it eventually led to something more serious. Getting involved with this boy was probably the most naive and ludicrous thing I have ever done. He had gotten another girl pregnant and was still living with her when I met him. He constantly told me that he was going to leave her but he never did. I think in my heart I always knew he’d leave me in the end but still I held on to hope. I had never been loved before. I had never loved before.
This relationship, of course, crashed and burned. I don’t feel any anger towards The Ex, though. In fact, I’m thankful for the relationship because I learned a lot of valuable life- lessons. But, just because I didn’t feel any anger doesn’t mean I didn’t completely fall apart.
We broke up (ok, ok- he dumped me) for the first time in early December of 2004. A few days later we got back together. A couple weeks later he dumped me again. A week later we got back together. A few weeks later he dumped me again. It went like this until sometime in May of 2005. In December something else traumatic happened to me and I started crashing harder and faster. I started getting panic attacks so bad I would black out and/ or start vomiting. I got on sedatives. All my friends left me (this includes those who like/d to call themselves my “best friend”) and I was completely alone to deal with this. It got to be too much so I left Virginia to go out to Los Angeles for a while to decompress. I stayed in a studio apartment with a friend, her boyfriend and the boyfriend’s roommate. I had a lot of fun. I met a friend from the internet that I’d been talking to since I was 17 and went on tour with my friend and her boyfriend’s band along the coast of California (mostly up north- San Francisco was my favourite area up there). I also hung around UCLA a bit since the apartment was near there.
When I get depressed I don’t eat. During this time, I went from 135 pounds to about 95 in the span of a month. My skin turned a pasty white. My eyes had dark circles and were sunken in. My hair started falling out in chunks. I hardly slept and cried a lot. I was constantly stoned off my sedatives. I generally had a blank look on my face. Being out in LA probably helped save my life. Another thing that I give credit to is a new spiritual path I had found. Well, it was something I had always been curious about. I started practicing it more and more. I started learning about it more and more. Slowly but surely, I pulled myself up from the pit of despair I had fallen so deeply into…
Celtic on AOL radio.
